Feature from Simone de Beaver - Thursday, 22 March 2012 @ 3:30pm

Honestly, I think most of us will just be grateful when all this is over. I'm sure we've all learned more about Ashgrove than we ever needed to know, and I for one am sick of hearing the phrase 'tired 20 year old Labor Government'. I may well slap the next person who says it.

Like any other election campaign, this one's been full of double-speak and sloganeering and grandstanding and posturing, and I thought the following definitions may be useful for anyone trying to decode the farce that is the current campaign.

Family man: an adjective applied to a male candidate who although espouses the view that drunk women are responsible for their own sexual assaults, has a wife and children and is therefore a stand-up dude and one you should vote for. I've written about this whole sorry situation for Settle Petal before, so apologies, but it still makes me fucking furious so you're stuck listening to me on repeat.

Apology: something you can say you've done without really having done it. See Gav King.

Fringe issues: gay rights, women's rights, abortion and euthanasia - you know, things that nobody really cares about.

Reassured: what you are supposed to feel when a candidate replies to an email you've sent outlining your concerns, when they haven't actually addressed them. There's a letter here from Campbell Newman on the subject of abortion which is a perfect example.

Families: a unit formed by a heterosexual couple, preferably respectably married, and their biological offspring. Cannot be used to refer to the bad other kind of domestic units, especially if said domestic unit is headed by a same sex couple. LNP Leader Campbell Newman, at the launch of his Mums and Bubs policy, was asked about his plans for civil partnerships and whether they would be repealed, and replied 'I'm not going to talk any more about civil unions, we're here to talk about families and family policy, and if you don't want to talk about families then maybe you should go.' Yep. Classy, Campbell. As one of my friends tweeted, 'Love how @campbell_newman got all "we're here to talk about families" yesterday. WE ARE, YOU DOUCHE!'

Costings: those pesky figures that need to be released detailing how you're going to pay for all the shit you've promised to do for all those whining voters. No need to release these until two days before polling.

I'll stop here because otherwise I'll end up depressed and in need of a very stiff drink or six and it's too early in the day for that. Plus that's what I'll be doing on Saturday night, sitting in front of the television and yelling or despairing by turns.

If you're progressive, I'd really encourage you to get out and support your local candidates. Queensland could be a scary place after Saturday and we need to do all we can to help progressive candidates and MPs in winning seats where possible. I'll be out helping a couple of pro-choice candidates - if you feel strongly about this please do the same. We have enough trouble moving forward on reproductive rights in Queensland, there's no need to actually start going backwards.

Image of Tennessee memorial to women's suffrage taken from lumierefl's photostream on Flickr under Creative Commons License.